Relationshipwise -
Advice on Making and Maintaining Long Lasting Relationships
Relationshipwise -
Tel: 01452 521008
Maintaining Love
Very few relationships exist on blind love alone, most require effort and attention to keep them fresh and appropriate to our needs as we get older.
We all change as the demands of life, children, work, health and environment change. When we first meet someone we follow the unwritten rules of courtship, so our real personality is kept hidden. Once the first year or so of a relationship passes we may revert to our true selves and this can create confrontation and pressures that may undermine the relationship.
When children arrive the focus of the relationship changes again, and the parenting role can cause the gap to widen further. This is often disguised and ignored as the parents focus on the needs of the children.
Age can take its toll as sexual relationships become minimal or even non existent. Women often find that their sexual libido drops so low that sex does not even enter their mind. This creates further tension, especially in the bedroom and can even result in accusations of infidelity.
As time goes on the rules of courtship are totally forgotten so no effort is made to rekindle the relationship, and suddenly both partners start to realise that they have very little in common. Or do they?
Is Courtship Just For Kids?
The above is just a worst case scenario. Many couples are as happy today as they were when they first met. So what’s their secret?
Love is about communication. In the Communicating Love page the five Love Languages are explained. Communicating love is far more than saying ‘I love you’ and the annual Valentine’s card. Love is something you do together using the special love language that your partner understands.
Do you know what your partner’s love language is? If you don’t then no matter how hard you try to communicate your love they might not be hearing you.
The rules of courtship are designed to speak all five languages at the same time, so once the courtship stops then communicating love can become a matter of chance. Two people with the same primary love language may remain blissfully happy. Two people with their secondary love language in common will probably have a happy relationship. Two people who understand their partner’s love language and ‘speak it’ on a regular basis will have a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Of course courtship for kids is very different to courtship for ‘more mature’ couples. The social antics of teens and tweens leave most older people cold, so courtship for rekindling a relationship needs to reflect what both partners find acceptable.
You should try to find out what your partner’s love language is. This will ensure that what you do is actually communicating your love.
The five love languages -
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
One of these will be your partner’s primary love language and another their secondary love language. Don’t get confused you partner’s love language with your own. Your partner’s love language may be very different to yours. Indeed, this confusion is often the underlying issue within many relationship problems. For example:
Joe and Mary married five years ago. Joe’s primary love language is Receiving Gifts, so because he loves to receive gifts himself he showers Mary with lots of gifts.
Mary’s primary love language is Quality Time and she loves it when Joe spends quality time with her.
Joe however, is always working late and comes home, gives Mary a gift and then goes straight to bed. Joe believes he is showing his love to Mary by giving his gift, but because he does not understand the Quality Time love language he does not recognise Mary’s love needs.
Joe’s secondary love language is Acts of Service, so he feels that by working hard and earning lots of money he is again showing his love.
Mary’s secondary love language is Physical Touch.
Result; Mary feels unloved and Joe is blissfully unaware that Mary is getting the Quality Time and Physical Touch attention she needs from Jim next door, who is also not getting quality time he needs in his relationship.
Finding Out Your Love Language
Your Relationship Therapist will be able to help you find your and your partner’s love languages. This would normally only take a single session and from this you will be able to devise ways in which you can both express your love using appropriate love languages.
For an appointment use the details on the Contact us Page.
PS The Perfect Love Language Activity -